Never Afraid of the Dark

Everybody has at least one talent. Or so the story goes. It may not be what you think, it may not be what you want, but I daresay you've got one. If you're lucky, your talent is a little better than most, if you're unlucky your very best day doesn't match the common denominator on it's worst.

I always wanted to be a strategist. Not very good at it. With practice I became so-so. I wanted to be a dancer. Fairly okay at it. With practice, I became somewhat entertaining. I always wanted to be that guy, who always knew just what to say, who shone with confidence in any group, and with practice, I became something less than mute.

But what I have always been good at, is walking through the shadows of someone else's soul, and letting them know that it's alright to be that way. Not to be confused with acceptance; we think, we do, we act, and we are accountable to those actions. But non-judgement in being who you are, and whatever that happens to be, well, it's always been a specialty.

It's amazing how fear works its way into to almost everything. We are afraid of looking dumb, so we agree with things we don't know anything about. We are afraid of looking weak, so we present strong, afraid of looking vulnerable so we armor up.

Put a person under enough stress, and they are the polar opposite of who they really are. That guy sweating bullets tries to stand tall, that girl who's just been hurt looks at you with steel in her eyes. We say all kinds of things to cover the gaps, ensuring friendships when we want to pull away, saying sorry when we absolutely are not, being polite to the animals that cross our way. Lies within truths within more lies.

It's a natural process. We want to feel safe. We want to believe that the hard part is over, that the pain will end, that the bad things will fade, that the holes will be filled, that time will heal all wounds. We want to believe it so bad it's what we tell ourselves over and over again even when it isn't true.

If at any point someone is trying to tell you that everything is going to be okay, the only thing you can really be sure of is that it isn't.

I'm pretty sure people just say that to let you know that eventually, you'll have to buck up and pretend it is, just like everybody else.

I like people who know that in actual fact, very few things are okay, and really it's all kind of fucked up. Extra points for people who know that being fucked up doesn't actually matter, because everybody is, and always has been and still the world keeps on ticking.

Your mom dies, the world keeps going. Your wife is pregnant, the world keeps going. A bullet to your head, and the world will still keep going. The cast changes, the show remains the same.

In the face of all those things, we still we give so much power to fear. As if the world will stop because we tripped, or said the wrong thing, or tore our pants, or got turned down or looked foolish. But it won't. Our world is as indifferent to our trivialities as it is to our monuments.

In the face of everything, nothing matters. All stories exist, all thoughts, all values. Good and bad, positive and negative. Every range of possible human behavior and emotion has some precedent set a thousand times before. That is the way the world is. And I'm good with that.

And so it doesn't matter to me what darkness lurks in the corner of your soul, what things haunt you, which particular stories you happen to hold. It hasn't changed the world. It is as it was going to be. At best it may change me. I would love if this talent brought out tales of heroic daring-do, but you will find that the world has been cast with considerably more villains.

Everybody has the story they never tell, the one they are afraid of. Of what will happen if people know, of how their lives may change. Most people want to tell it. They need to- its the only part of them nobody understands, and nobody can unless those little bits are known.

And that's my talent. Walking in the deep dark without a care in the world. Putting myself on hold and listening. For whatever reason, creating a safe place brings out the things we are all afraid of. Turning them over in the light, getting a grip, learning how to deal. It's never as bad as you think, and I'm never afraid of what's down there. Maybe one day someone will say the same to me.

What an interesting place to walk while hand-in-hand.

Disappointment.

Have you ever had an idea of how things were going to be? Something so tangible and strong that you could feel it, that you could build on it, that you could work towards it and feel it taking shape?

Have you ever had that idea completely shattered in one hard shock?

The world changes, spins, redirects and what do you do? It was only an idea. Something that never was. A story within a story, a dream that will never be. What do you do when you thought knew how the world was, and then it turned out to be completely different.

Thwarted. Prevented. Incorrect.

Part of me howls in rage, part of me just wants to crawl into bed and sleep forever. Part of me wants to run run run until my lungs explode and every step pushes messy wet stumps of pain further and further until I hit oblivion.

I feel certain about so few things, that when I am and it turns out wrong it's a hard blow. And to do what?

Time is a fire that consumes everything, leaving only ash behind. There is nothing to return to, nothing to question, nothing to restore. There is no back, you can never return. Once changed, it remains so forever. I know this. I live this. And yet...