And So It Was

It's interesting, being able to look back at past pages. To see in through a temporal window, and be able to gauge what has gone on.

And so it was that I awoke, having been lulled to sleep by stagnant decay. Nothing had really changed between the Muse and I, she was as incapable of stepping forward as I was of staying back.

It was a rough way to end such a beautiful thing. A few days of of tense words, and she was gone gone gone, the vacuum of her presence still just as real as her being. Off to rewrite history, create a villian, make a martyr. As oblivious to her faults as she is to her true strengths. One-sided well wishes I think, from me to her, but that is the way it is with her. No middle ground, no grey; you are everything or nothing. It drove me mad, and still I will miss it so.

There are many things I won't miss, but I will tuck those away. She was who she was, and although I always hoped for more, I can't really fault her for staying that way. I thought I saw something I didn't. I thought in a different situation she would unfold, god, such potential. A stunning creature capable of great things. And maybe still she'll achieve them. But not with me.

But all of that was some time ago. Two months I think. Forever in my world. Gone is gone. I would love to relay some tale about picking up the shattered pieces of my life, but it didn't happen. My life grew stronger almost instantly. More drive, more focus. Clear goals, targets, organization, physical improvement. Bad habits put away, new ones forged in sweat and time.

There is no possible way to have accomplished these things with her here, and that is I suppose why she had to go. There is little use for inspiration without real accomplishment. Without progress, adaptation, and the ability to self-assess, the world changes while one falls further and further behind.

Being told what to do is of no real significance, knowing what you should do is. And above all things, being able to do it. Even people who only follow instructions get a gold star if they do it well. Inspiration with zero execution is only a daydream, and so its only a matter of time before it ends.

And so it was that I awoke. And reality is just a bit more grim than I remember. I'm older now. Less options. More injuries. Battle worn. Wary as hell. It'd be nice to rest my head for a while, but I have to keep going. Wherever she is, she needs me. Hope to hell I find her soon.