And So it Turns

My back is slowly untwisting, due in part to the healing ministrations of the Muse, and so the majority of pain is gone. The aftermath is still there, but it has started down the path of something I am able to bear. I can feel my mind restructure the sensations of my skin to push the muted tuning of that space aside, and create a whole new sensational map down that part of my body.

I'm relatively confident that with enough time, I will feel normal again. I worry about the blind spot, but as it tends to be, out of sight, out of mind, and there is hope that eventually I'll be able to stop thinking about it. The mind has a way of sealing things that cannot be changed away. Or at least, mine does.

Speaking of things sealed away, a spot of my troubled past has risen to the surface, in the form of a Facebook contact. It would be fair to say that I was a different kind of person then, and I'm not entirely sure I want to have those remnants in my new life. I am torn- on one hand a person is all they have been through, and there is a need to accept the past and learn from it, on the other, sometimes Bad Things happen for good reasons, and it is best to disconnect from those parts and those people entirely.

There is a certain segment of my life I am not particularly proud of; I went on a search for something at the bottom of a cesspool, and things got more than a little messy. The poem at the top of my blog is a three-way metaphor, and one of those ways is that I gave up an exceptionally moral existence in order to find an Answer that simply does not exist anywhere else.

Why am I broken?

Something happened to me when I was an infant. Actually, several things happened to me when I was infant, I nearly died at least 3 times before my first year; once from starvation, once from an aspirin overdose (I ate a whole 'family-sized' bottle of them), and once from a chlorine gas leak in a public enclosed swimming pool.

Sometimes I wonder if I am an unwelcome anomaly in the world, that if maybe in the Great Big Plan, I am completely unaccounted for. I do my best, I try and help, but in the end, there are a lot of lives that would just be better off if I had never existed. I tend to live a life of non-interference now, a Watcher, simply observing. I only act if there is need, a clear cut case of assistance. I am a good man to know in the short term, in the long term, it would be fair to say that I am a challenge. However, back to the point.

Something occurred in my first year that left me permanently sexually aware. There could be a few direct causes, but I would guess, like all scars that grow with you, it was probably a combination of things that has made things what they are. It could have been sexual abuse, there was an individual going about doing that sort of thing at the time, and I have some very strange recollections about the house. It could have been the moving, it could have been the naughty friend of one of my female cousins, it could have been the one of the backyard neighbors (the house was the entry point to the local mobile home park my grandfather owned, there were kids of all sorts around constantly) Certainly there was some of that in my second and third years.

At any rate, I have been sexually receptive and aggressive for my entire life, and it has presented challenges in a lot different ways. Friendships and relationships of all kinds specifically, spirituality, dealing with a conservative Christian family pool, dating and sexual relationships- everything tends to be affected by this at one level or another.

When I turned twentyfour, I became particularly engaged in Eastern Philosophy, and found a way to unravel the tremendous burden of guilt I felt all the time, even though at that point, I had done nothing wrong. As it turns out, I went down a long road of finding out what is Wrong and what is not. I spend a great deal of time learning about what happens when one does something Wrong, trying to figure out what it is about those situations and actions that makes them so. I was trying to find a good life by learning to recognize the crap, and went about it in utter disregard for many of the conservative teachings I had been handed as 'truth' up to that point.

Unfortunately, my learning style demands personal involvement to acquire knowledge; kinesthetics learn by doing. Not by listening, although I can often get the gist, not by reading or watching- all these things are superficial. For me to know something down to the bone, and accept and understand its nature to the core, I have to be there.

Mistakes were made, lessons learned, milk spilled, pasts rewritten, and futures destroyed, and now, in my thirtyfirst year, I finally feel like I am on the road to something meaningful and worthwhile. The Why has become irrelevant to me, I am what I am. The Wrongs I have done are behind me. What concerns me now is how to live Right.

Let's see how that turns out.