Hanging With Agony

So the headaches aren't going away, and nobody seems to know whats going on with that. Just talked to my mom about them, seems she went through some weird migraine-like issues when she was about my age as well. I take after my mother quite a bit in terms of build and make-up, so perhaps this sort of thing is normal. Let's hope it passes; I forget sometimes that my mom has had quite a few pieces of medical work done, I would not like to go through the same.

I am getting better at dealing them up, these explosions of pain that follow through just about any kind of arousal activity. The first few took me by surprise, but it wont be long before I can wall them off if need be. The first time it happened, I was reminded of the long hours I spent learning how to deal with close, intimate pain.

For perspective, I should first mention that I have no piercings of any kind. The thought of having anything heavier than ink embedded permanently into my skin is horrifying. I'd never get used to them, and I would always want them out.

What I have instead are tribal markings on my chest and biceps; triple lines crossing over the muscle on each arm, and long dragging claw marks on my chest. They mean many things, and were drawn, not by ink, but by blood, many, many times. Each line has been cut and recut, the scars growing thicker and longer every time the ritual was repeated, ten lines in total.

The tenth line, the 'thumb' of the claw marks ripping out my heart, is the smallest and deepest mark at about two inches in length. The rest vary, the pattern runs nipple to nipple in a slashing diagonal, the middle of the middle claw gouges through the center of the Heart Chakra.

It takes about three hours to work through them all, opening up the lines so that the blood runs freely and evenly throughout the entire length of them. It is a balance of artwork, surgery, ritual, discipline, meditation and body mechanics. Some lines are easier than others. The left arm comes easy; the marks are done with the weapon-wielding right hand, the strokes are sure and graceful, the concepts of Strength, Honor and Discipline are bedrock.

The right arm is harder, the left hand is used to being more defensive, the skin snags on the edge of the blade, pores get caught, corrections have to be made. The concepts of Respect, Self-Value and Awareness are more abstract, and harder to focus on than concrete examples.

Both of these sets are simply leads into the the larger acts of thought and penance, wherein one reflects upon their nature and tries to root out their mistakes. For the set on my chest, the middle mark is exceptionally painful; it requires removing one's base desires from one's mind, the act of moving emotional thinking into a rationalized state. There is a large nerve bundle there, I don't think anyone ever gets used to that.

The tenth mark comes as a kind of relief, a simple signature end to the set. A personalized note, the sense of self in agreement with the act at hand. A small flourish and it is done, and the washing and cleaning of the marks soon follows.

One learns to enter into a state of mind that can deal with large amounts of pain. With even a few seconds of meditation, I can put a sharpened coat hanger right through my forearm without even blinking. It's not that it doesn't hurt, you just don't let yourself feel it. The ritual marking above is performed with no change of facial expression at all, and if one should start to feel themselves slipping, the process is halted until self-control is regained.

I mention this so that when I say these headaches are the most intensely painful experiences of my life, one may know that my life up to this point has not entirely consisted of lap-dancing rose petals as I lay stretched out on a polar bear rug by the fire. It is pain outside my experience, but one hopes it is not beyond my ability to control.

Ah well, what is the purpose of life, if not to be tested, to learn and to grow accordingly? There are no problems, only complex situations, and I'm only to happy to be challenged. Let's see how that works out.