It's All Going Pretty Well Really

The migraines have settled down to a dull roar, finally. Managed to go to bed and wake up with the Muse with no pain at all. It bothers me during the day sometimes, but as long as I keep up on when it starts, a couple of Advil seems to put down into the 'Definately Manageable' catagory.

I am a little worried about my overall health, I've been coming down with things that are generally reserved for the stressed and immuno-deficient. I don't get it really, I don't feel stressed. Then again, I don't really recognize stress as a feeling, so maybe I am and just don't know it.

The house is back on track. Should have the basement finished off and rentable within a couple of months. The yard is annoying, never had a yard before, and now I have a big one. It grows all the time and needs constant TLC. If it wasn't hideous, I'd pave the whole thing and paint it green.

The Muse destroyed her phone last week, and has her heart set on some fantabulous gold-plated number. It the latest of the greatest and blah bloo blah, prolly has satellite imaging and blowdries your cat, I dunno. But it seems important. She definately needs one, and she likes to have things just right sometimes.

I half-heartedly support this. I am very sensitive to certain things; I know if I was talking about getting a new brace of knives, or building a new target, or even just getting a new lamp for my living room, I know what I want, and nothing less than that exact one will do. If I get something different, it feels wrong and bothers me on a personal level- forever. So although I personally do not understand her delight at this particular one, I am certainly on-board with the feeling of obtaining at least some small piece of perfection in a life that is otherwise very make-do.

At any rate, it costs a bundle, and she doesn't except gifting in the form of financial support. Which is also frustrating sometimes. She wont be able to buy her phone for six weeks on the inside- I lent her my alternative one for the meanwhile.

Oddly enough, it's a phone I never use, and had been disconnected due to a credit card renewal mishap at the company office. Cost me about $300 and change to get it reconnected and have it work.

I could have just let it go, left it unused and never renewed it. I could have given the Muse that same amount and she would have more than enough, supplemented with her own money, to buy this holy telephonic grail, pretty much on the spot. She'd never accept such a thing though, I offered twice, once directly, once back-handedly, and no dice. Doesn't like either help nor charity.

No doubt, she wants to earn it for herself. And good for her, I'm not going to interfere. I suppose I'll simply keep my assitance to the background, it's what I'm good at. Still, I am a bit bothered- I make decent coin, and my own needs are very modest. What is the point of working hard and earning a decent living if you can't help out those you love when they need it?

I worry about it sometimes, because in my last, long-term relationship, everything was divided; this is mine, this is yours- but nothing was ours. I happen to like the idea of sharing costs and expenses, even if that thing is for the exclusive use of another. I'm not paying for the thing itself, I'm not giving a handout, I am contributing to a lifestyle I support, and part of my lifestyle is ensuring that her lifestyle goes smoothly. When you live life together, it's all the same thing.

I suppose what I really want is to be a fully fledged us, in which my effort is our effort, and her expenses are our expenses. In which our efforts are our efforts, and our problems are shared. Our rewards, our situations, our belongings, our life.

Maybe that's just a goal, and not the reality. I would like to add a 'yet' onto that. I hope I can one day. Just not today, it seems.

Even still, that is just a little thing, and not much of a stressor per se. Work is going well, family is doing well, girlfriend is going well. So what the hell, body? What's got you all mechanical failure and stuff? As far as I can see, worrying about what could possibly be stressing me out is the biggest source of stress so far.

Maybe if I just stop looking, the cause will cease to exist.